Saturday, April 9
freaking pissed at myself. i forgot to send out the prayer request form this week. damned smart right? i should have sent it out on thursday night. it's now sat night. shit larh. i'm so screwed. how can anyone make such a mistake?? how downright stupid am i? i mean okay fine maybe if i screw up in school it's not so bad. but this is church! how can i screw it up by so many days? so what if i've been out til late every night. and barely having time to get hwk done. i've got too many things on. i need to quit something. but i don't know what.
we're getting a maid. so chores can be struck from my list of to-do's. even so, i think i'm going crazy. essays essays and more essays. finish reading the lit books. somehow get chinese hwk done. gp hwk. math hwk. econs. study for econs test. hist test. math test. pw starting. prayer committee stuff. and now they're expanding our duties. okay so other people have lives too. i'm the youngest member, i should have the least to do. i feel awful even contemplating quitting. this shouldn't be the way. what happened to duty before self? but where do the various duties end off and where do they overtake each other? teaching sunday school. planning open sunday worhsip. playing the piano during open sunday worship. guides. piano lessons. tuition. spending quality time with friends. and we were talking about starting a christian thing. sighhhh.
they say once you put God as your anchor, everything falls into place. but i don't see how. put God as my anchor. then i'd have to quit guides. quit ya. continue with my service in church. but i don't think God is all about the church. only. or even if the church is all about God. come on, i don't wanna fake it, we all know some stuff that goes on isn't all that Godly. face it. i'm in this desperately mean mood. frank, maybe. what if i'm supposed to serve God as a ya? and as for all the schoolwork.. when i hear abt how happily slack all the other jcs are i get this odd feeling of resentment. i never meant to stay on in hc. sure, once upon a december i wanted to go to hc. it's a good sch. good teachers, good notes, supposedly smart students providing a good studying atmoshphere. bullshit. it's nearby. near st marg's too. the epitome of convenience. but after pae i wanted sa. the christian environment. non communist, non cheena. my mother wouldn't let me put it as my first choice. so obviously i had to stay on in hc since i got posted there. bahh. good notes i guess. stressful i guess. everyone else still having make up classes and no essays blah blah blah yadda yadda i don't see any reason at all in any of this. i guess i will later on. nothing makes sense now. bitter. resentful. smouldering anger.
but how come it seems like when i ask for divine help, none comes?
it must've been love.
11:25 pm
xoxo
